A Bitter Pill to Swallow (3/6)
Nov. 4th, 2006 01:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
moonlite_trystIn which we find out just what it was Harry did.
Title: A Bitter Pill to Swallow (3/5)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lusiology
Pairing: HP/DM
Rating: NC-17 overall
Word count: 1659
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer No ownership, no money
Betas:saladbats and dacro You've made it so much better.
Summary Harry is a hero, leader, loyal friend and lover. Harry is also exceedingly jealous, which has consequences for everyone.
Concrit is welcomed and appreciated.
Retracing his steps back toward the entrance of the tunnel was proving to be more difficult than Harry had anticipated. An almost continuous rain of dust now seeped through minute cracks in the roof, from the maelstrom above him, coating his glasses in an endless fine grey film, making it virtually impossible to see the uneven terrain underfoot. Brow furrowed in concentration, and sweating profusely, Harry continued to stumble along the oven-like passageway toward his goal.
The temperature had risen considerably in the short space of time since he'd initially entered the passageway with Hermione and Remus. His breathing was becoming more erratic and laboured in the oppressive atmosphere and he felt distinctly light-headed, almost drunk, from the lack of oxygen and the smoke fumes he was continually inhaling. Although desperate to get above ground, Harry knew he wouldn’t get much further in his current condition so he stopped to cast a Bubble-Head Charm in an effort to relieve the pressure of the vice-like grip on his lungs and ease his breathing.
Leaning against a wall to prepare for casting the Charm, exhaustion finally overcame him: exhaustion from fighting during the surprise attack, from grief, and from the forced flight down the escape tunnel once it was clear no more could be done for his colleagues above.
Harry’s whole body felt as heavy as lead and he soon realised that he had no energy to cast the Charm. Just a short rest, that’s all I need, he thought to himself as he sank to the ground in the Lumos lit gloom, then I’ll be fine. I just need… to… rest.
As soon as he sat down on the floor, Harry was unable to fight off the compelling need to close his eyes and sleep. His eyes drifted shut and his head fell forward on to his chest. After several minutes of increasingly shallow breathing, Harry’s body pitched to the side and he unconsciously curled into the foetal position and settled into the comforting blackness of sleep.
It seemed to Harry as though Hermione’s voice was calling to him from the deep dark place within, occupied by his dreams. “Harry. Harry can you hear me?”
“Yes,” his dream self answered.
"You're never going to find one that doesn't make you cry, Harry, if you keep going on like this."
Harry felt himself frown as he tried to remember when Hermione had once said those very words to him. Oh yes, after another quick fuck had warmed his bed at night but left him in the cold light of morning. Harry hadn't just wanted to combat the isolation he felt in the depths of the night, he’d needed to find someone who wanted more than just a one night stand with the Man-Who-Was-Probably-Going-To-Die. That person had surprisingly been Draco.
“Remember, Harry? Remember Draco?” Hermione’s voice was so close now, almost whispering in his ear.
His dream self whispered back, “I remember.”
“Then wake up.”
He didn’t want to wake up. He was drifting on a bed of comfort and warmth, cocooned from pain and death. Who would want to wake up to that? “Don’t want to.” Hermione’s voice came again teasing and tugging at his consciousness.
“Harry, listen to me.”
Harry wished Hermione would shut up. How typical that she would be just as annoying in his dream as she could be in life. Still, if he didn’t attempt to answer her, he was sure she’d go on and on. “…’m listening.”
“You’re dying, Harry. Do you understand?”
“Uh huh.”
“You must wake up now, Harry. The fumes are killing you.”
Hermione’s voice was disturbing his much longed for sleep. “Go away. Tired.”
“Harry, you must wake up or you’ll never see Draco again.”
Eyes shot open to the cry of “Draco!” ringing in his ears.
Harry jerked fully awake, choking on the noxious fumes that were slowly suffocating him. “Draco,” he croaked weakly, as he forced himself to sit up. The need to see Draco was overpowering, it was almost as if he was being pulled back irrevocably by some magnetic force, stronger than the desire for self preservation, and he was powerless to resist.
Calling on reserves he didn’t know he possessed, Harry finally managed to cast a strong Bubble-Head Charm. He sat upright against the wall and forced himself to breathe deeply - the clean air soothing his protesting lungs and clearing his head.
Beads of perspiration now covered his face. The temptation to try and wipe them off was almost irresistible, but his hands and clothes were filthy and he didn’t want to risk polluting any of the clean atmosphere within the bubble surrounding his head by the miasma he was currently sitting in. He struggled to his feet, pushed himself off the wall and staggered forward on still shaking legs towards the fork in the tunnel.
Harry looked to his left and saw nothing but an impenetrable blackness that threatened to swallow him within its dark maw. Grasping his wand more firmly he held it before him, strengthening the Lumos in a bid to feel less claustrophobic and small. Taking the right hand fork, Harry stumbled through the gloom and along the uneven ground of the steady incline toward the surface, his thoughts firmly on Draco and on his own stupidity.
Draco had done nothing more than what he, Harry, had wanted. Yet he’d treated him with a callousness that had shocked his friends and himself, if truth be told. The memory of angry words filled with vitriol and pain still had the power to make his heart clench and fill his eyes with bitter tears.
Hermione’s words came back to him, You're never going to find one that doesn't make you cry, but he had cried - cried in anger and bitterness because he couldn't control the jealousy that was consuming him to the point of hate.
Hatred for Draco, for what he'd done, and even more hatred for himself for telling Draco to use whatever means he could to get those oh so precious plans from the other side. So Draco used whatever means he could, because he had trusted Harry completely – only to have it thrown back in his face.
~*~
Arriving back from his unexpected absence, Harry felt overwhelmed with anger when he saw who was waiting for him. As soon as he’d stepped out of the Apparition chamber, Draco had embraced him fiercely and said with much relief, “Harry, you’re safe. Where have you been?”
Rather than lean into the comfort of that embrace, Harry stiffened, raised his hands and pushed Draco away. “Sorry, was I a little forceful?” Draco said, his voice warm with affection. He put his hands on Harry’s shoulders and gave them a light squeeze.
Harry looked away saying, “Take your hands off me.”
Draco frowned slightly, but didn’t release his hold on Harry’s shoulders. “Pardon?”
“I said take your hands off me,” Harry replied with more force.
“Why? You’re not shy. We’re not a secret.” Harry looked at Draco then, his gaze cold and hard. Draco’s frown deepened. “Harry, is something wrong?”
“I’ll ask you once more to let go of me before I make you.”
Draco’s arms dropped and he stepped back, looking unsure. “What the fuck’s wrong with you?” he asked.
Harry looked up at the ceiling and sighed. “I just…” he paused struggling to find the words. Finally he sighed and said, “I can’t, not now.”
“Can’t? Can’t do what?”
“This!” Harry gestured angrily between them. “I can’t do this, you and me anymore. I’m… I’m sorry,” he said, but there was no trace of that sentiment in his tone or demeanour.
Draco took a step closer, his gazed fixed on Harry’s averted face. “Sorry? I don’t understand. Harry,” he said softly, “look at me.”
“I… No. Just go.”
“Harry…” Draco reached out and touched Harry’s jaw. Harry jerked his face away, and then finally looked at Draco, the previously cold eyes burning with an all together different emotion.
“Don’t you get it?” he cried, “I can’t. The mere thought of looking at you, touching you or of you touching me makes me feel sick!” There was such vehemence in his voice that Draco recoiled as if struck by a particularly vicious hex. Harry stood breathing harshly, his expression full of loathing. Draco visibly collected himself and attempted to slide the Malfoy mask into place, but his eyes betrayed the emotions rising within.
“What is this about, exactly?” he said with controlled calm.
“Oh don’t be so obtuse, Draco. You know what it’s about.” Harry sounded exasperated.
“Rookwood’s mistress? Is that still bothering you?”
“Yes! I can’t get it out of my head. It’s all I think about. You and her, what you must’ve looked like while you were touching her…” Harry drew a shaky breath and choked out, “Fucking her.”
Silence reigned for several moments. Draco turned away and began to pace back and forth. Harry watched him warily. Finally Draco turned back to face Harry, full of indignation. “I don’t believe this! I did what you wanted.”
Harry lowered his gaze. “I know,” he said quietly.
“I got what you and the Order needed.”
“I know.” Barely a whisper
“Didn’t I warn you about this, about how you’d feel?”
“Yes. And I’m not proud.” Harry looked up at Draco, “Believe me.”
“Believe you? You promised things wouldn’t change, that you could handle it. Now you’re saying… what? That it’s over? That’s it then?”
“I… Yes. It’s over. I just can’t be around you. Not anymore. It’s driving me insane and all I want to do is hurt you.”
“I think you’ve managed that more than adequately.”
~*~
Harry could still see the expression of disbelief on Draco's face when he realised that everything he’d done to be with and for Harry had come to nothing. He’d put his faith in Harry and Harry, weak fallible Harry, had betrayed him.
~*~
Part Four
Title: A Bitter Pill to Swallow (3/5)
Author:
lusiologyPairing: HP/DM
Rating: NC-17 overall
Word count: 1659
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer No ownership, no money
Betas:
saladbats and dacro You've made it so much better.Summary Harry is a hero, leader, loyal friend and lover. Harry is also exceedingly jealous, which has consequences for everyone.
Concrit is welcomed and appreciated.
Retracing his steps back toward the entrance of the tunnel was proving to be more difficult than Harry had anticipated. An almost continuous rain of dust now seeped through minute cracks in the roof, from the maelstrom above him, coating his glasses in an endless fine grey film, making it virtually impossible to see the uneven terrain underfoot. Brow furrowed in concentration, and sweating profusely, Harry continued to stumble along the oven-like passageway toward his goal.
The temperature had risen considerably in the short space of time since he'd initially entered the passageway with Hermione and Remus. His breathing was becoming more erratic and laboured in the oppressive atmosphere and he felt distinctly light-headed, almost drunk, from the lack of oxygen and the smoke fumes he was continually inhaling. Although desperate to get above ground, Harry knew he wouldn’t get much further in his current condition so he stopped to cast a Bubble-Head Charm in an effort to relieve the pressure of the vice-like grip on his lungs and ease his breathing.
Leaning against a wall to prepare for casting the Charm, exhaustion finally overcame him: exhaustion from fighting during the surprise attack, from grief, and from the forced flight down the escape tunnel once it was clear no more could be done for his colleagues above.
Harry’s whole body felt as heavy as lead and he soon realised that he had no energy to cast the Charm. Just a short rest, that’s all I need, he thought to himself as he sank to the ground in the Lumos lit gloom, then I’ll be fine. I just need… to… rest.
As soon as he sat down on the floor, Harry was unable to fight off the compelling need to close his eyes and sleep. His eyes drifted shut and his head fell forward on to his chest. After several minutes of increasingly shallow breathing, Harry’s body pitched to the side and he unconsciously curled into the foetal position and settled into the comforting blackness of sleep.
It seemed to Harry as though Hermione’s voice was calling to him from the deep dark place within, occupied by his dreams. “Harry. Harry can you hear me?”
“Yes,” his dream self answered.
"You're never going to find one that doesn't make you cry, Harry, if you keep going on like this."
Harry felt himself frown as he tried to remember when Hermione had once said those very words to him. Oh yes, after another quick fuck had warmed his bed at night but left him in the cold light of morning. Harry hadn't just wanted to combat the isolation he felt in the depths of the night, he’d needed to find someone who wanted more than just a one night stand with the Man-Who-Was-Probably-Going-To-Die. That person had surprisingly been Draco.
“Remember, Harry? Remember Draco?” Hermione’s voice was so close now, almost whispering in his ear.
His dream self whispered back, “I remember.”
“Then wake up.”
He didn’t want to wake up. He was drifting on a bed of comfort and warmth, cocooned from pain and death. Who would want to wake up to that? “Don’t want to.” Hermione’s voice came again teasing and tugging at his consciousness.
“Harry, listen to me.”
Harry wished Hermione would shut up. How typical that she would be just as annoying in his dream as she could be in life. Still, if he didn’t attempt to answer her, he was sure she’d go on and on. “…’m listening.”
“You’re dying, Harry. Do you understand?”
“Uh huh.”
“You must wake up now, Harry. The fumes are killing you.”
Hermione’s voice was disturbing his much longed for sleep. “Go away. Tired.”
“Harry, you must wake up or you’ll never see Draco again.”
Eyes shot open to the cry of “Draco!” ringing in his ears.
Harry jerked fully awake, choking on the noxious fumes that were slowly suffocating him. “Draco,” he croaked weakly, as he forced himself to sit up. The need to see Draco was overpowering, it was almost as if he was being pulled back irrevocably by some magnetic force, stronger than the desire for self preservation, and he was powerless to resist.
Calling on reserves he didn’t know he possessed, Harry finally managed to cast a strong Bubble-Head Charm. He sat upright against the wall and forced himself to breathe deeply - the clean air soothing his protesting lungs and clearing his head.
Beads of perspiration now covered his face. The temptation to try and wipe them off was almost irresistible, but his hands and clothes were filthy and he didn’t want to risk polluting any of the clean atmosphere within the bubble surrounding his head by the miasma he was currently sitting in. He struggled to his feet, pushed himself off the wall and staggered forward on still shaking legs towards the fork in the tunnel.
Harry looked to his left and saw nothing but an impenetrable blackness that threatened to swallow him within its dark maw. Grasping his wand more firmly he held it before him, strengthening the Lumos in a bid to feel less claustrophobic and small. Taking the right hand fork, Harry stumbled through the gloom and along the uneven ground of the steady incline toward the surface, his thoughts firmly on Draco and on his own stupidity.
Draco had done nothing more than what he, Harry, had wanted. Yet he’d treated him with a callousness that had shocked his friends and himself, if truth be told. The memory of angry words filled with vitriol and pain still had the power to make his heart clench and fill his eyes with bitter tears.
Hermione’s words came back to him, You're never going to find one that doesn't make you cry, but he had cried - cried in anger and bitterness because he couldn't control the jealousy that was consuming him to the point of hate.
Hatred for Draco, for what he'd done, and even more hatred for himself for telling Draco to use whatever means he could to get those oh so precious plans from the other side. So Draco used whatever means he could, because he had trusted Harry completely – only to have it thrown back in his face.
~*~
Arriving back from his unexpected absence, Harry felt overwhelmed with anger when he saw who was waiting for him. As soon as he’d stepped out of the Apparition chamber, Draco had embraced him fiercely and said with much relief, “Harry, you’re safe. Where have you been?”
Rather than lean into the comfort of that embrace, Harry stiffened, raised his hands and pushed Draco away. “Sorry, was I a little forceful?” Draco said, his voice warm with affection. He put his hands on Harry’s shoulders and gave them a light squeeze.
Harry looked away saying, “Take your hands off me.”
Draco frowned slightly, but didn’t release his hold on Harry’s shoulders. “Pardon?”
“I said take your hands off me,” Harry replied with more force.
“Why? You’re not shy. We’re not a secret.” Harry looked at Draco then, his gaze cold and hard. Draco’s frown deepened. “Harry, is something wrong?”
“I’ll ask you once more to let go of me before I make you.”
Draco’s arms dropped and he stepped back, looking unsure. “What the fuck’s wrong with you?” he asked.
Harry looked up at the ceiling and sighed. “I just…” he paused struggling to find the words. Finally he sighed and said, “I can’t, not now.”
“Can’t? Can’t do what?”
“This!” Harry gestured angrily between them. “I can’t do this, you and me anymore. I’m… I’m sorry,” he said, but there was no trace of that sentiment in his tone or demeanour.
Draco took a step closer, his gazed fixed on Harry’s averted face. “Sorry? I don’t understand. Harry,” he said softly, “look at me.”
“I… No. Just go.”
“Harry…” Draco reached out and touched Harry’s jaw. Harry jerked his face away, and then finally looked at Draco, the previously cold eyes burning with an all together different emotion.
“Don’t you get it?” he cried, “I can’t. The mere thought of looking at you, touching you or of you touching me makes me feel sick!” There was such vehemence in his voice that Draco recoiled as if struck by a particularly vicious hex. Harry stood breathing harshly, his expression full of loathing. Draco visibly collected himself and attempted to slide the Malfoy mask into place, but his eyes betrayed the emotions rising within.
“What is this about, exactly?” he said with controlled calm.
“Oh don’t be so obtuse, Draco. You know what it’s about.” Harry sounded exasperated.
“Rookwood’s mistress? Is that still bothering you?”
“Yes! I can’t get it out of my head. It’s all I think about. You and her, what you must’ve looked like while you were touching her…” Harry drew a shaky breath and choked out, “Fucking her.”
Silence reigned for several moments. Draco turned away and began to pace back and forth. Harry watched him warily. Finally Draco turned back to face Harry, full of indignation. “I don’t believe this! I did what you wanted.”
Harry lowered his gaze. “I know,” he said quietly.
“I got what you and the Order needed.”
“I know.” Barely a whisper
“Didn’t I warn you about this, about how you’d feel?”
“Yes. And I’m not proud.” Harry looked up at Draco, “Believe me.”
“Believe you? You promised things wouldn’t change, that you could handle it. Now you’re saying… what? That it’s over? That’s it then?”
“I… Yes. It’s over. I just can’t be around you. Not anymore. It’s driving me insane and all I want to do is hurt you.”
“I think you’ve managed that more than adequately.”
~*~
Harry could still see the expression of disbelief on Draco's face when he realised that everything he’d done to be with and for Harry had come to nothing. He’d put his faith in Harry and Harry, weak fallible Harry, had betrayed him.
~*~
Part Four
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-11-04 08:14 pm (UTC)How could Harry do this to Draco? Ah, jealousy is more than bitter, it can destroy everything…
I liked Hermione part in the dream-sequence being Harry’s conciousness
no subject
Date: 2006-11-05 01:33 am (UTC)A late addition after mulling things over at a bonfire display. I think jealousy is the most destructive of all emotions and I wanted a Harry that was as fallible as evryone else. Thank you for the lovly comment BTW.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-05 08:00 pm (UTC)omg..poor Draco..
and Harry...*shakes head*
no subject
Date: 2006-11-05 11:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-11 12:15 pm (UTC)*clears throat* Harry! Your heartless bastard!
There. Much better now. That was a very emotional scene at the end. You nailed Draco's character so well (in my opinion) that I fell completely into the scene with them. Hateful!Harry would seem to be OOC, but as you've shown so well, he's full of bitterness about many things, and uses that to cover his pain - a very typical trait of canon Harry.
Hurray! On the the next part.
no subject
Date: 2006-11-11 06:16 pm (UTC)I was actually more worried about Draco being OOC than Harry. In my head Harry is a little possessive of things: be they people or objects because of his abusive upbringing. I also wanted to show that this Harry was human and not some all forgiving super hero.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-07 04:22 am (UTC)This is a very effective turn to the story. I had been wondering why the angst was so one-sided so far: Harry is obviously worried for Draco, but Draco has yet to let us know if he is concerned for Harry. And now at least part of that explanation is revealed, though it scares me how much Draco's feelings may have altered in the time since Harry's betrayal.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-07 07:46 pm (UTC)I'm v. happy you're still enjoying it at this point. It took me ages to decide how to tell the tale without it being obvious. Having the small scenes and opposing POV's seemed to work - like they are both moving to a certain point at the same time.
Harry is worried for Draco, and is well aware at this point that he has been a twat. See, this is what happens to kids that don't have a teddy bear when they are small. *G*
no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 06:16 am (UTC)Poor Harry. I think people often forget to include his history when they are thinking about his character. But it's such a big part of who he is.
no subject
Date: 2007-03-09 05:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-03-10 09:17 pm (UTC)